"All For Nothing"

By


There's this lingering sadness that I couldn't be the girl of his dreams. The complexity. The disclosure that he liked girls, but he loved me. Somewhere among the lost pages of my youth, I fell in love with a boy beyond my reach. Until he wasn't. I used to rehearse conversations, looking over at the passenger seat, envisioning him sitting there. That night, he was. My hand traced the lines on his palm, hoping my name was written on it. I breathed him like fresh air when I knew he was radioactive. I kept breathing it in, just until it killed me.  


I've heard that straight crushes are canon for queer people. Maybe it's our quiet longing to be someone's turning point, their exception. If I love him in a way no woman can, in a way only a queer boy can—the way we wish to be loved—then maybe he'll choose me. It works in the world of BL stories and gay romance, so why not in real life? 

 

The truth is, no offering of love—in amount or sincerity—will make someone love you. Especially when it demands a change of self. All that trying, all that intention—it will break your heart. While it's true that there are exceptions, it's not promised that you'll ever be one of them. When it comes to love affairs, the forgotten factor is often oneself. We need our own love. That happiness you promise him, you must first promise yourself. Fall in love, ache a little, learn from it. Never let it be all for nothing. And never love so hard that you lose yourself to it. 

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