Beyond Lines: All For Nothing

By

Literature) 

I had a dream that after two years apart, I was really with him again. In this dream, I had written a song that captured the pain I had borne for months on end—keeping my relationship, for lack of a better term, a secret; that lingering sadness that I could never be the girl of his dreams. The complexity. The disclosure that he liked girls, but he loved me. Upon waking up, the melody stayed with me in the way he never would. 

All For Nothing:

I held you like a grudge.

I tried to be enough.

Every moment, I kept us a secret

all for nothing.


I'm healing a heart I didn't break.

I'm fixing a mess I didn't make.

You don't appreciate the way I always put you first.

I take all the hurt and bear it on my own, and you don't even notice


that you're not the only one

that wants to be loved.

You were everything I wanted

and even though I shouldn't,

I'm still in love with you.


There's a painful kind of silence,

the kind that only happens when there's so much left to say

and no one to say it to.


I held you like a grudge.

I tried to be enough.

Every moment, I kept us a secret

all for nothing.


You're not the only one

that wants to be loved.

You were everything I wanted

and even though I shouldn't,

I'm still in love with you.


I'm healing a heart I didn't break.

I'm fixing a mess I didn't make

and it's all for nothing.


Our Story)

As it is written, in the lost pages of my youth, I fell in love with a boy beyond my reach. Until he wasn't. I used to rehearse conversations, looking over at the passenger side, envisioning him sitting there. One night, he was. My hand traced the lines on his palm, hoping my name was written somewhere on it. I breathed him like fresh air when I knew he was smoke. I kept breathing it just until it killed me.  


Fiction) 

I think straight crushes are canon for queer people. The unattainable is canon for queer people. Maybe it's our quiet longing to be someone's turning point, their exception. If we love them in a way no woman can, in a way only a queer boy can—the way we wish to be loved—then maybe they'll choose us. It works in the world of BLs and gay romance, so why not in real life? 

 

Reality) 

The truth is, no offering of love—in amount or sincerity—will make someone love you. Especially when it demands a change of self. All that trying, all that intention—it will break your heart. While it's true, there are exceptions, it's not promised that you'll ever be one of them. 


Finality) 

When it comes to love affairs, the forgotten factor is often ourself. We need our love. That happiness we promise each other we must foremost promise ourselves. Fall in love, ache a little, learn from it. Never let it be all for nothing. And never love so hard that you lose yourself to it. 

Popular Posts

Beyond Lines: Empire

By
  Literature)  Sacrifice. Time is sacrifice. Action is sacrifice. Love is sacrifice. Where does it stop? At relocation? Cold friendship? A loss of self? How much sacrifice is enough to secure your place in their life? What else do you have to lose? A question with an answer, but never the right one. It's not a matter of what  you sacrifice. It's whether or not that sacrifice is worth  it.  To light the altar of your every aspiration ablaze and call it "love" is vain. This is but the romanticized pain we inflict upon ourselves just to prove our feelings are real.  But the truth is that an empire built on oblation, an offering to the gods of our sentimentalism, is an empire that burns all the same. Empire: I'll trade my heart for an empire just to see it burn. From so far, you painted me a liar. I guess I never learned. I let my guard down to pretty serpents with lying eyes and venomous lips. They hide like scars and hang from my neck like a necklace laced wi...
Read more

Beyond Lines: A Perfect Penumbra

By
  Literature)  There was a time that I lived for the affirmation of my peers. Did they appreciate me? Was I present and attentive enough? Did they love me the way I sought? Did I perform well? How many views did my latest post get? Am I standing out enough ? I soon realized that my happiness had become dependent on these things and it was killing  me.   A Perfect Penumbra: I'm the brightest star in your sky. I burn for you, do you see me? Are you happy now that a piece of me is gone? The part of me that loves you is the part of me that lives. Your eyes are moonstone, limned with aurora. Show me your shadow, a perfect penumbra. You're the eclipse to my crescent moon. The bloodstain on my heart, somber maroon. Your eyes are moonstone, limned with aurora. Show me your shadow, a perfect penumbra. I'm falling in love with your perfect penumbra. Convince ) As it is written, he's straight  and has a girlfriend . And still, I managed to convince both of us that we ...
Read more

Beyond Lines: This Is How I Keep A Friend

By
Literature)  Hands are the thieves of innocence. Breath is but a forewarning, like the hiss of a snake, or the poise of a scorpion. This kind of pain, loss- not of another, but of yourself, is unlike any I've known. The following piece from Florilegium  recounts the moment that I first felt weak. The violation of my body with no room to breathe, let alone fight. In the moment his prurience weighed on me like a secret, I thought to myself, This is how I keep a friend.   This Is How I Keep A Friend: Being lonely made me desperate and you used it to your advantage. My discomfort made you uncomfortable, I felt bad for being used. I apologized, said it was my fault because maybe it was. I didn't know pain until I met you. I won't cry over you, I couldn't even if I wanted to. I'll keep those tears for when it gets better. But you marked my skin with an invisible tattoo of a stranger's handprint and made it permanent. I didn't know pain until I met you. Your hands,...
Read more