"Ruins"

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I have always tried to portray spiritual abuse in a profound manner, one that accurately contextualizes my experience. As I previously stated, I underwent ample spiritual coercion, most of it surrounding my identity. Upon the disclosure of my same-sex attractions, I was immediately abased. In an otherwise conservative community, I became the abnormality. Naturally, my attendance threatened their heteronormative ideals. My "struggle" did, in fact, contradict American-Christian values. I, a sixteen-year-old virgin, was called a "homosexual" by my pastor. Parents were encouraged to keep their children away from me. The Board of Elders sent out a statement defaming my character, including Scripture from Romans 16:17-18 which reads, "I appeal to you, brothers, to watch out for those who cause divisions and create obstacle contrary to the doctrine that you have been taught; avoid them. For such persons do not serve our Lord Christ, but their own appetites, and by smooth talk and flattery they deceive the hearts of the naive."


I wrote the line "I kneel before a splintered cross," alluding to my devotion to a damaged system, one where I offered my service in return for my exile. "I carve out my splintered heart" refers to the spiritually induced hatred I felt towards myself. In a literal sense, I had cut myself for years under the instruction "if your eye causes you to sin, gouge it out." My pastors and youth leaders knew I was harming myself. They either kept silent or told me that the Bible does not explicitly address self-harm, especially in the context of a "preventative, disciplinary action against sinning." After all, Jesus had scars too, right? 


According to Christian fundamentalism, a same-sex-attracted individual is incapable of same-sex friendship. I lost many friends, friends I considered family. Friends I fought for, never against. Friends terrified to be thought "handsome" by me. I write to their parents: were you uncomfortable at the thought of me being physically near your son? That in some senseless way, I might infect them with whatever ailment I carry? Or did you think by being my friend, they might lead me into temptation? To those same parents, it was bold of you to think your child to be anything more than aesthetically unfavorable. Something they undoubtedly inherited from you. 


Subsequent to the exile, I was left with the aftermath of spiritual fallout. Am I a paragon of division? Or am I the sum of everything I've experienced? Was aggression ever my choice if I never had an option? Is this character—the homosexual with an agenda that serves only his appetite—something I adopted? Or was I ultimately scripted by reactionary doctrine? As I processed my spiritual depravity, I accepted that I would never be part of the Christian community. I recognize now that "God's love" only made me hate myself. 


"Who am I?" I ask. 

"A child who lost his faith," replies a gentle voice. 


At first, I thought it was the voice of God, calming and eloquent, but in time I realized that it was no other voice than my own. A voice that knows my heart. One that accepts me in my entirety. A voice that can move mountains. They said that God would change me and they were right. I changed. I'm different. I made a temple from my ruins. Maybe my identity was never found in my creator. Maybe identity isn't something you find at all. It's something you create. 


Man may have broken my heart, but that church is what broke my soul. I mean, my own pastor said I was an "ill sheep that had to be put down" one week after I wrote him a Father's Day card. My worship leader once accused me of "having a crush" on his son, while his son would use my phone to watch porn, threaten suicide if I said no, and recommended his favorite porn star to me like her genitalia could fix me.


My "struggle," my "sin," my "condition"—it's not canon to manhood. The existence of LGBTQ and unlabeled same-sex-attracted individuals is more often than not categorized as biblical homosexuality. When acknowledged by The Church, we are condemned. But the 78% of men, 75% being "Christian" men, that habitually consume pornography are accepted and welcomed by their Christian peers. Young men struggling with lust are mentored by leaders vulnerable enough to admit that they struggle with the same. This rationale defies the scriptural rendition that "the blind cannot lead the blind" (Matthew 15:14). 


Here's a question to ponder: if I fantasize about a man with a woman, am I considered more holistic than if I fantasize about a man with a man? And why can your daughter be friends with a straight man but your son can't be friends with me? Since my "struggle" is "uncommon," I'm therefore unacknowledged? And yes, you need to cite Scripture.  

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